Family. Its Size, Shape, and Scope

I overheard Brian saying something to Annemarie the other day that just about knocked my socks off. Usually Brian and I are on the same page when it comes to parenting, in almost everything. It's a very, very good thing. But what astonished me was hearing him discuss siblinghood with Annemarie, during which he said:

"So do you think you'd like to have a little sister?"

WHAT THE? I compromised my usual restraint (ok -- it's not restraint, but it was the *desire* for restraint that I compromised) when I screamed out, in front of her "WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT?" And in my defense, I did practice restraint when I told the little man in my head who was telling me to strangle him to shut up for a bit so that I could see whether Brian was posing a rhetorical question or leading the witness. That does, you know, determine the severity and length of punishment.

But for many small children, rhetorical questions are nothing but reality itself, so upon reminding myself of this, I resumed my battle cry. You see, we have three kids. One of them is but 6 mos old. The others are rather small themselves. No one is yet in elementary school. All require some level of assistance getting dressed. Two need some help with toileting/diapering. All three need help when it comes to eating, and one of those three is still receiving 95% of his nourishment from me.

When I was pregnant this last time-- having been pregnant or nursing or both for almost the past six years straight -- I was miserable in a way that I had never before experienced. I mean really, really miserable. My entire body hurt. I was at the chiropractor every week to help my hip, my back, my...you name it. Every time I was pregnant I got sicker; every time I grew more tired; every time I was able to sleep less. When I was still in the hospital with baby #2 -- in fact, after having just delivered him with no pain meds -- Brian and I struck up something of a conversation about how a third child would not be out of the question. But all throughout the baby #3 pregnancy, I had a feeling that this was the last one. And when he was born, I had the feeling that our family was complete -- all members accounted for.

Catch my drift?

So perhaps it seems the ultimate betrayal of my own position that there was a lingering tinge of sadness when I interjected into that conversation to push my position that this was the last one. In his defense, Brian concurred, but you could tell that there was a bit of ambivalence there, as well. Brian's position on the matter is that having children is such a wonderful experience, one that brings us such immense joy, that any child that ends up with us would only be a good thing. But at the same time, Brian was quick to remark that he realized that we couldn't go on having kids forever just because we liked having kids. Thank you, Brian. I do not want to end up like that woman in Arkansas who's pregnant with her 18th baby. But I know what you mean.

While I am relatively (very) certain that another child is not on the horizon, I am equally certain that the decision to stop having kids can be an emotional one. A wise friend whose children are grown remarked once that she underwent something akin to grief when she and her husband decided that two was enough. It wasn't that she wanted any more -- I understand this -- it's just that there is something so magical about the process of waiting for and raising a young child that a part of you must undergo a "coming-to-terms" with the knowledge that that magical time must end. This is put into sharp relief particularly when your small children get big enough and verbal enough that they catch a serious case of sassy.

And do we have sassy. And eye-rolling. OH THE EYE-ROLLING!

So while my youngest is still young enough that we have a baby around -- and thus don't feel like we're missing out on the magic of infancy -- I do anticipate a time in the future when we will have to come to terms with the fact that that stage of life is over. It might be a bit emotional.

But then again, we'll be sleeping more, too. As eyes roll all around us.......